of Love, Loss and Horses

It feels a little weird to post this for all of the internet to see, seeing as I didn’t even post this on my own Facebook page, but here goes.

I can’t remember how much of this I have posted about and honestly I’m feeling too lazy to go back and look. So I’ll do a quick recap of the last 3+years.

In February of 2014, I found out I was pregnant. It was scary, but I was coming to terms with it. Shortly after finding out that I was pregnant, the pregnancy ended in a way that no one hopes their pregnancy will: miscarriage. In the process of all of this, I found out that I had a uterine birth defect. After a painful medical miscarriage, lots of tests, an MRI, a referral to a specialist and a few months later, my first surgery was scheduled for June, 2014. The defect (a uterine septum) was not fixed after just one surgery. Second surgery was scheduled after some more imaging for September 2014. Although no additional imaging was done, the surgeon told us she was confident that she got everything.

Fast forward to July of 2015. I found out I was pregnant again. 13 weeks roll by, I assume everything is fine. Though in the end that was not so. Fetus died at 8 weeks. My body realized at 13 weeks and 3 days that something was wrong. I began to miscarry. In the process of this, my regular OB/GYN noticed the septum was not completely gone. Frustrated does not begin to cover my feelings at that point. A D and C and some blood tests later, I was referred back to the specialist. Same office, different doctor, as the first one left. By this point it was December, 2015.

New Doctor was extremely nice, apologetic and seemed to want to find answers. More blood tests and more imaging later, I was placed on Thyroid medication (hypothyroidism) and my third surgery was scheduled for January, 2016. Imaging showed we were all clear. A few personal crises later, and after several months, I still wasn’t pregnant. Specialist decided to try some fertility drugs. What started as one drug, quickly turned into four. Many dollars, lots of imaging, several needles and lots of pills later, I was pregnant again (March, 2017).

Up until the 6 week mark, things were looking good. I was released from the specialist’s care. Fast forward to 10 weeks pregnant. My first official sonogram. No heartbeat. For a minute, I didn’t feel like my heart was beating either, but in that moment we had to figure out what our next steps would be. Funny thing was that I had just switched doctors and hadn’t actually met my new doctor yet. He wasn’t in the office that day, so we met with the on call doctor. He recommended a D and C. That was scheduled for the next morning (April 25th).

Two weeks later, physically I feel fine. Mentally and emotionally I am a wreck. It seems like the more time that passes, the worse I feel. It’s my third miscarriage, I should be used to it by now. But I’m not. Each loss is subsequently more difficult than the previous loss. I don’t know how or why but it is. I just want to feel fine and I don’t.

I finally had a breakdown last night. I got no sleep and neither did my husband. My trusty dog didn’t leave my side. I debated on calling into work today because sitting at my desk crying just seems counterproductive.

Answers? I have none. Normal pathology was fine. We’re still waiting on genetic/chromosomal testing and for my local OB/GYN to get lab results from my specialist.

I’ll somehow find a way to be okay, but for now I’m just here. Sometimes functioning, but more than likely not. I’m sad, I’m angry and I just want to feel better. Right now though, I don’t and I don’t know how long it will take for me to feel better than I do now.

So far I haven’t mentioned horses. Lately, I’ve had no mental strength to do anything. My house and my desk reflect how I feel and right now that’s not very good. So for now, my horse comes when I call him, I kiss his nose and hope that someday soon I’ll find the strength to ride him. Because we all know that horses are the cure of so many ailments. Whether those be mental, physical or emotional.

Until next time…

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